I Should Have Known
by GetInLineHeIsMine
Summary: The ramblings of a depressed and lonely boy. WARNING: Dark Content
1. Kurt

**WARNING: REALLY DARK/ DEPRESSING. IGNORES MOST OF CANON. WAY OUT OF CHARACTER.**

I DO NOT OWN GLEE

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><p>I should have known better. Nothing ever good happens to me. At Dalton I feel suffocated in the god awful uniforms that you could never escape while on campus and the way everyone is 'equal', but not really. The students have their hierarchy whether the clueless, and always absent teachers, noticed it or not. When transferring to Dalton I thought it would be my own version of a happy ending. I finally made it to my safe haven where the only thing left would be the final moments of the movie in which Blaine took my hand with a smile.<p>

I should have known Blaine would choose his status at school over me. When we were alone together everything is perfect. We laugh and talk and just live. However once that bell rings I don't exist in this twisted world of false encouragement. Blaine is proper and practically straight while in these bare, yet disgustingly beautiful hallways. He doesn't take guys hands, or flutter his eyelashes. He is cold and calculated, only laughing when socially acceptable. I sit with a few kids from my French class. We only speak in French and usually only about school and the weather.

I should have known that I couldn't hide from the lonely and depressed feelings that crimpled me at McKinley. However, the feelings are tenfold while I stagger through my days, praying for a time when I could feel like I am living again. I had started on depression medication two years after my Mom died. The loss of her had left me feeling empty. Like I was breathing without actually living, I had gotten used to that feeling by the time I entered into high school. Glee club was good for me, but I never felt enough emotion to think that I could stop the medication. That is, until I met Blaine.

I should have known that it was stupid to place my well-being in the hands of someone else. During my initial conversation with Blaine after Teenage Dream, I cried for the first time since my mom died. It felt good. I felt sad, yes, but relieved. I felt. During our trip to see Rent I laughed, truly laughed for the first time in such a long time that it felt foreign. When he came to my rescue at McKinley after Karofsky's attack I felt love, true love for the first time ever. I felt.

I should have known that going off the medication was a stupid idea. Blaine was my cure. Every time we were together he reached within me to unleash a new emotion. Whether good or bad I was grateful because he finally did something that some of the best doctors in the US had not been able to. I got to witness my Dad's wedding without the fog that had been obstructing my vision for years. And even in that moment without Blaine directly by my side, I felt. I felt loved and safe and needed. That feeling was short lived.

I should have known that everyone would leave me. Karofsky came back, so I had to leave. I physically left them by moving to McKinley, but they emotionally left me. Once I was gone it was like I never existed to them. There were no calls from Mercedes or Tina. No texts from Rachael or Quinn or Brittany. I had become a ghost of a memory to them. I no longer exist to anyone.

I should have known that I would always be Mr. Cellophane. I am almost positive that my teachers do not know my name. I never get called on in class, even on the rare occasions that I actually raise my hand. If I was gone no one but my Dad would notice. And even he would probably feel like a burden was lifted; the burden of a mentally unstable son, who did nothing but cause him trouble. Trouble because I am gay. Trouble because I can't help but attract attention. Trouble because he must pay for my wardrobe and my medication and now to send me to my own personal hell.

I should have known that I would fall back into my black hole. I had accepted my fate of life as scum on the bottom of everyone's boot. I no longer wanted to be that miniscule amount of extra weight that everyone who had ever met me had to carry around. I no longer wanted to be the reason for my dad's humiliation or his financial troubles. That's why I find myself in the bathtub of the on suite bathroom in my Dalton dorm with my favorite all black ensemble. My left sleeve rolled all the way to my elbow, a scalpel poised in my hand directly over the major vein that runs up your arm. That is why I stab myself, puncturing the vein and slicing all the way up until the gash reaches my wrist.

I should have known I would fail at committing suicide. I should have known that Blaine would be the one to save me.

I should have known.

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><p>If I write another chaptersequel/ follow-up it will get happier, I promise. And it will be written from Blaine's point of view. Would anyone like to read it or have I scared you all away?


	2. Blaine

**I Lied. It isn't Happier. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

**I do not own Glee**

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><p>I should have known that he was agony. I had been slowly noticing the pain behind Kurt's beautiful ocean azure eyes over the last couple of weeks. He would just watch me with this blank expression, but just behind the collected surface I could see the storm build. Today I finally decided that I needed to understand what was torturing my angelic friend.<p>

I should have known the signs of depression. Ever since the day I met Kurt on those stairs I was enraptured by his mere presence. He reminded me so much of myself at a slightly younger age. He stood out. He demanded attention. He looked defeated. Even with that fake smile plastered on his porcelain face I could still see the furrowed lines on his face from severe frowning. I used to have those lines. I used to show my displeasure. I used to be human.

I should have known that I could never really be classified as his friend. At first I could be a helping hand and a mentor to Kurt. He deserved for there to be at least one person on his side. And outside of the halls of Dalton; I could be exactly what he needed, exactly who I wanted to be, exactly who I am. I was wise, yet understanding. I was fun and playful and flirty. I was laid back and easy going. Yet everything had to change when Kurt was brought into my world.

I should have known that it would have been better to just explain everything to him. I love him. He is like air and sunshine and music and the smell of grass after rain. Even tainted, he is eerily haunting. But I can't love him. I am at Dalton for one reason. I am at Dalton to escape my past harasser. I am at Dalton to escape my father.

I should have known that I could never escape my father. When I was five my father started drinking, my father is not a happy drunk. When I was seven, my father got so angry at me that he picked up my dog by its throat, strangling most of its life out of its body before my eyes. He just kept repeating, "Life is precious son, and some beings are not worthy of living." His eyes were cold and black and without emotion. His eyes were boring into my scared and blood shot and crying eyes. He killed my dog by snapping his neck in front of me. I still hear that sound every time I close my eyes to try and sleep.

I should have known that my father would never love me. I realized I was gay at the age of eleven. My best friend Michael had really nice hair. I have always hated mine and just the fact that Michael had really nice hair and told me that I should sing more often left a funny feeling in my gut. Not the kind that I got when I had tummy aches or the kind I got when my father would look but the kind that me feel like I could fly. Michael was my first boy kiss, I was his last. The day after our little experiment he told my father about me liking boys. My father threw me against a wall that night. I went to bed with my hair matted down in blood. I pissed blood for the next two weeks. I started dating a girl named Ashley. My father loved her.

I should have known that I couldn't protect Kurt from myself. I thought that ignoring Kurt during school hours, yet remaining his friend outside would be the best scenario for both us. That way no one would be able to tell my father about him and me, but I could still keep him. I should have just told Kurt that. I didn't want him to leave me because of my past and I really didn't want him to think of me as an abused child still under the thumb of his oppressor. Dalton was supposed to be his sanctuary. Even though I was trying to protect him, I still managed to destroy him.

I should have known that when Kurt didn't answer his door when I knocked, that something was really wrong. It had always seemed like Kurt was waiting right behind the door for me to arrive. I used to sneak to his dorm right after Warbler practice every day to see him. We would talk about anything and everything, never stopping until the alarm on my phone would go off signaling my return to solitude. Today was different, there was no answer.

I should have known that something was wrong. I kicked down the door after the 4th set of knocks. I knew he was in there, he was always in there. He hated the librarian that worked the night shift, her clothing choices are atrocious, so he would never go there and I was here. I practically ran into the room, taking in the sight in front of me. The room was dark, but I could still make out what I was seeing. Everything was packed away in boxes, all of them with a different name on them. Some of them I knew like Mercedes and Rachel and Finn. Others were foreign like Mr. Schue and Sue Sylvester. The box with the elegant scrawl entitling it to me was the only with a letter taped to the top. I started to move towards when something caught my eye. It was then that I saw the miniscule thread of light peeking out from the bathroom.

I should have known what I would find. Snapped out of my revere I rushed towards the bathroom door and pushed it open. There was Kurt, as beautiful as ever in the soft glow of vanilla scented candles lit all around the bathtub in which he resided. Clothed in all black garb, his hair falling perfectly against his forehead, his skin a pasty yet still enchanting white, his lips a bluish purple. His entire form contrasted greatly against the burgundy red of his blood, now only dripping from the long slit up his arm. What was probably close to the rest of it flowing down the formally pristine white tub. It took me only seconds to take in the gruesomely stunning sight.

I should have known that I would be too late. By the time I had found Kurt and called 911 he had almost no pulse. His breaths were so shallow that I could barely feel them ghost across my ear when I lowered my head to listen for it. He never moved his eyes even when I placed my hands on either side of his forearm pushing the incision closed. I tried to keep pressure on the entirety of the wound, but the gash was just so long, reaching from his slim wrist all the way to his elbow. He had obviously started at his wrist and steadily ripped upwards. There was a puncture mark at the mouth of the opening, right above one of the larger veins.

Kurt never half – assed a performance, I should have known.

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><p><strong>Thank You all so much for the amazing reviews. So what did you think of Blaine's POV? I am planning yet another chapter which should have both boys POV and the happier part of the story... hopefully. I am making no more promises. <strong>

**I was asked in a Private Message for the inspiration behind this story so I have decided to just add a dedication. **

**This story is dedicated to my best friend Alicia, who took her life at the age of 13. Everyday I still regret not being able to see her agony. **

**~Love You For Reading~**


	3. The Letter

**Thanks again for the support. I am sorry this took so long, but I am graduating in less than a week and my life has been a bit hectic. I hope this chapter does not disappoint, I personally think its a little choppy, but I wanted to get something posted. The writing style is a little different in order to tell the story a little better. Let me know what you think!**

**The song is Lullaby by The Spill Canvas, I would suggest listening to it as you read. **

**If I owned Glee, it would be nothing like this story. **

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><p>I should have known that I couldn't stay away from the hospital, well at least from Kurt's bed side. I love him, and I need to see him again in order to erase the image of him lying in that bathtub from my mind. That is my excuse. My excuse for once again placing Kurt on the path that could lead to something much worse than what a blade and his own volition could do to him.<p>

I should have known that the letter he wrote me would change everything. It was an invasion of privacy; I should not have read it. But dammit I need to.

_Blaine,_

_I am hoping that you will not be the one to find me. If you were I am so sorry for putting you through that. I know you do not like blood. Do you remember the time I accidently cut my finger while preparing lunch for us? Blood is nothing to me except an easy form of release. I didn't even think twice about the small slice, you winced at the mere sight of a drop of blood. Something has happened to you in the past that you won't talk to me about. I know it is true. The flinch at the sight of blood, the fact that you have never actually told me the whole story about why you transferred the Dalton, the way you can be Blaine with me and Blaine Everett Anderson in public. Your dual personalities has always scared me. Every time you would change, I would secretly pray to a god that I honestly don't believe in, that you would be able to change back. And every time you would come back to me. But it isn't enough anymore. No that is wrong. I mean, but it wasn't enough anymore. Yes, past tense._

_I should explain the reasons behind my actions shouldn't I? Is that not what most people write in suicide notes? Well here is the truth. Some you know some you don't. My mother died when I was really young. She was my everything, I mean I had my Dad but he never truly understood me. My mother was my rock, she was the first person I came out to, and in celebration we had a musical marathon. Always accepting and more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, well until you. Without her I lost all feeling, I walked through life like I was looking through a film. Every emotion was hazy, almost like I knew what I should be feeling, but I didn't actually feel it. I have been on depression medication for quite a while now. I am sorry that I never told you. I didn't want you to look at me like I was any more broken than you already did. The taunting at McKinley did cause me to leave; however, I actually transferred for you. You made me feel again. And I know that is a lot of pressure to put on someone else. I should have known that you would fail me eventually. I IN NO WAY BLAME YOU FOR MY ACTIONS. And you should not blame yourself either. This was my decision and it is what I wanted._

_I know that my actions will not really affect you, or anyone else for that matter. You never truly loved me in the way that I loved you. I needed you to breathe, I needed you to feel, I needed you to live. You have so many problems of your own that you needed to take care of. I am sorry I couldn't wait for you to work them out and come back to me. Keep living Blaine; you are too beautiful and precious for this world to lose. I was nothing._

_Know that I will love you forever,_

_Kurt_

Kurt loves me, I should have known. I could have saved him by just being honest with him. I would face my demons for him. No matter what it takes, I will escape my father's clutches to be with him. He deserves to be happy, and if I am his happiness I will never say goodbye to him. No matter what emotional problems we both have and need to face. I need to tell him.

I should have known that Kurt's Dad would try and keep me away from him. Burt had never been supportive of Kurt's relationship with me. He disproved of the way we could just be with each other, completely at ease with ourselves. He has never come out and said that he thinks being gay is disgusting, but I could see it in his face every time he looked at his son. I think it has to do with losing his wife, I think he blames Kurt. And therefore despises everything that Kurt stands for, including homosexuality. I will protect Kurt from his Dad, as soon as I can protect him from mine.

I should have known that money could buy you anything. I slipped a nurse $500 dollars in order to allow me to see Kurt without informing his father, considering I am not technically family. Yet, I am the only family Kurt has. I am the first to actually come and visit him besides his Dad to fill out the paperwork. The nurse said he didn't even walk into the room. Kurt deserves so much better.

I should have known that Kurt would still be pale. The color had still not returned to his face, he looks gauntly. The loss of blood has taken its effect, yet he is still gorgeous. Even in his hospital gown with his hair unstyled. God, if you exist, thank you for giving this boy back to me.

I should have known that he wouldn't want to see me. Kurt was on the edge of sleep when I walked in. It was late when I arrived; I had to stay at school to keep up appearances. No one there even knows that I was the one to find Kurt. I walked up to the side of his gurney and took his hand. When Kurt finally opened his eyes enough to see I gave him a solemn smile. Even moving his eyelids took all the strength in the world to him right now. That is why what happened next shocked me.

"What are you doing here?" Kurt had pulled his hand away from mine, struggling with every movement.

I had not expected the hostility, although I cannot fathom why at this point why. He had basically told me that because of my actions I drove him into the dark place he was. But he loved me, should that not out rank his anger.

"I read the letter Kurt, this morning while I was trying to stop myself from coming to see you." His face fell; I knew that I should not have read that letter. I nervously chewed my lip waiting for a verbal response. When one didn't come I finally said what I needed to, "I love you too. And I know that I have so much to make up for, starting with an explanation for my spilt personality. But right now I need you know that I love you and you need to get better by sleep.

"Fine, but we will talk. And once I am out of this stupid hospital you are never to talk about this again." I nodded and smiled a little at Kurt's diva personality still coming through despite his condition. "By the way, thank you for saving me, and I love you." His eyes twinkled when he looked up at me; I took his hand in mine.

"We will be discussing your mental health, no matter what; I will make you talk about that. You aren't allowed to hide that from me anymore. But, I will promise to share my struggles and history as well. That way you don't feel like the only vulnerable one, okay?" I took his unwavering eye contact with me as an agreement. "I wrote something for you… will you allow me to sing it to you? I brought my guitar, and the nurse gave the okay if I close the door." I once again took the eye contact as a yes.

I begrudgingly let go of Kurt's hand to get my guitar from the corner. I then positioned myself on the chair next to Kurt's bed and began to strum the song I had poured over last night when I couldn't get the image of Kurt out of my head.

It's the way that you blush when you're nervous.

It's your ability to make me earn this.

I know that you're tired, just let me sing you to sleep.

It's about how you laugh out of pity,

'Cause lets be honest I'm not really that funny.

I know that you're shot, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,

and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

It's those pills that you don't need to take,

medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.

I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep.

It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it.

It's your grace and how it keeps me grounded.

I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,

and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

While you were sleeping I figured out everything,

I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.

You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame.

(Oh)

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything. (I really do)

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,

and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

If you need anything, just the say the word.

I mean anything.

Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,

and plant my lips where your necklaces close.

I should have known that I would start crying in the middle of that song. I meant every word of it so much and it kills me to think that I went so long without expressing it. Kurt eyes fell shut about a fourth of the way through it. My poor love is so tired, he needs the rest. I just need to get Kurt back into proper health, confront my Father, and then deal with Kurt's demons. It's a lot, but together I am sure we can make it through this. We love each other too much to ever lose a battle.

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><p><strong>Please let me know what you think!<strong>

**~Love You For Reading~**


	4. Conintue?

**Should I continue? You tell ME! After uploading this to ScarvesandCoffee, I decided that I would once again go back to the final chapter of this story. This is a preview what I have written from months ago, and I need feedback as to whether or not I should continue! Let me know through a review or on my tumblr: theheartiseverchanging**

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><p>I should have known that I would wake Blaine up by kissing him. I couldn't help myself. I slowly opened my eyes taking in the sight of Blaine's peaceful features mere inches from my face. His mouth puckered slightly as if in a silent pout. I have always been enthralled with his mouth, even before I fell in love with him, I would catch myself nibbling slightly on the corner of my mouth, my eyes transfixed on the identical placement of Blaine's teeth on his own lip. I leaned in closer, feeling my breath ghost across his lips, some of it returning in my direction. This could be it, my first real kiss, my first kiss with the man I love even with all of his flaws, my first kiss with Blaine. My lips brushed slightly against his, barely even sliding together.<p>

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><p><strong>LET ME KNOW! <strong>

**~LOVE YOU FOR READING~**


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